“It doesn’t matter to me,” Jack said hostilely.
That was the fourth time I’d heard that reply while reviewing his 360. A 360 is a process where feedback is gathered from an employee’s subordinates, colleagues, and supervisor(s), and also includes a self-evaluation.
No matter what I said, he had an angry reply, always reminding me that it didn’t matter to him what his staff thought of him.
The Problem Child
I gave up on the 360 and shifted the conversation. “What does matter to you?” I asked. “Why are you here?”
Jack’s response astounded me. He started to explain, still in an angry tone, why he did the line of work he did—leading a team of international relief workers—then stopped himself abruptly. He hesitated to elaborate—but his emotions got the best of him. As he started to speak, he went from angry to tears in the blink of an eye. “I do this for the children who are ripped apart from their families and left without love or access to education,” he explained in a highly emotional state.
Blaming the Boss
Okay, so it does matter to him, I thought. But the conversation quickly shifted. Jack started berating his boss, blaming him for making his life miserable. This same shift in topic happened multiple times. Jack would blame his boss for his lack of engagement, I’d bring him back to focusing on why he does what he does, and then he’d go back to speaking angrily about his boss. He even told me he hated his work.
Trying to Care
After a lot of back and forth, I asked Jack what his key takeaway was from our conversation. He replied that he’d try to look at what mattered to his colleagues. Ok, I thought—I’ll take that as a win!
While Jack is an extreme example of someone unhappy in their workplace and unable to take responsibility for their actions, this scenario is quite common. In fact, many of us have found ourselves in the same situation: We hate our jobs. Our bosses make us crazy. We behave poorly as a result of that hate and craziness. But we can’t see through our anger to understand that we can improve our situations with a little effort. Organizations often provide workplace coaching training from time to time to its employees.
Five Action Steps to Take When You Find Yourself Angry and Stuck in Your Work
So what can a person do when they find themselves in this uncomfortable predicament? I recommend you hire a coach. But if that’s not possible, start with these five action steps:
1. Self Coach
If you are not working with a coach, you can be your own coach. How do you do this? You ask yourself questions and journal your answers. I recommend the following questions:
- What is in my control?
- What is out of my control?
- What is my role in this situation?
- What does success look like?
2. List 10-15 ways to get to your idea of success, no matter how silly they may be.
For example, let’s use Jack’s goal to see what mattered to his colleagues.
He could:
- Ask his colleagues why they do the work they do
- Share why he does this work
- Host a lunch where people share why their work matters to them
- Ask his boss to talk about why his work matters to him
- Gather information on the impact they’re having on families
- Make a video of the team’s most impactful work
3. Commit to an action step no matter how small. And define it clearly.
For example, in the case of Jack, he might ask himself: What does “looking at what matters to his colleagues” look like? Does it look like engaging employees by initiating check-in meetings/conversations? Does it look like showing up on time? Does it look like attending work functions?
These behaviors must be specific—and things that you can measure daily or weekly. Jack may see that he had zero check-in meetings with team members one week, and two the next. He can then identify that he’s making progress.
4. Find an accountability partner for your commitment.
Accountability (link) is a key element to following through with commitments. Let someone know what you are working on. Then set meetings weekly or every other week to check in. Ask your partner to hold you accountable for what you said you were going to do.
5. Celebrate every small win, no matter how small.
Celebrating small wins really does matter. And the findings of a multi-year research project, conducted by Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer, prove it. They asked 238 people to send a confidential electronic “diary” at the end of each day. In the diary, they ranked their inner work life—their stream of perceptions, motivations, and emotions throughout the day. Also, they were to describe one event that stood out for the day, related to work. The analysis of 12,000 daily diaries showed that the best days included a simple event: making progress on meaningful work. They called this The Progress Principle.
They write:
This pattern became increasingly obvious as the diaries came in from all the teams in our study. People’s inner work lives seemed to lift or drag depending on whether or not their projects moved forward, even by small increments. Small wins often had a surprisingly strong positive effect, and small losses a surprisingly strong negative one.
Those small wins are important and you should celebrate them—even if they are tiny! What does celebrating wins look like? Here are some ideas:
- Bring yourself a special lunch
- Take a walk in your favorite nearby park during a work break
- Meet a friend for a quick coffee and catch up (be sure to share your progress!)
If you care about your job but find yourself in a negativity loop that is impeding your performance and/or relationships, don’t give up. There are actionable steps you can take to improve your situation. If you can hire a coach (link), you’ll be giving yourself the best chance for success. In the meantime, try using the steps above to self-coach. And good luck!
Have you been in Jack’s situation before? Were you able to come out of it? I’d love to hear about it. Tell me in the comment section below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.