Crucial Conversations Archives - CHCI

Get a Grip on Employee Conflict

admin — Tue, 15 Sep 2020 11:01:43 +0000

A client recently asked me to help him resolve some staff conflicts within his marketing team. At the surface, it looked like the staff were insubordinate, reactive, and uncooperative. However, after some discussions with all of the staff, it became clear that the real issue was GRPI (pronounced grip-i), not insubordination. Is GRPI a rare disease from Africa? No. However, it is a common disease amongst many organizations. A disease that can cause low morale, frustration, poor productivity, and reduced sales. So what is GRPI and how can it be cured?

GRPI stands for Goals, Roles, Procedures and Interpersonal. Often interpersonal issues, such as low morale or poor teamwork, are symptoms of a bigger issue. Managers often see the interpersonal issues and assume that coaching or team building exercises are needed. This may be the case. However, looking at the organization as a whole, especially relating to Goals, Roles and Procedures, may often be the case as well.

What do Goals, Roles and Procedures have to do about interpersonal staff issues? Everything. Think about it. Imagine Mary is a new employee, excited to make a difference in her work. She asks questions, listens well, and performs her tasks in record time. However, she has no idea what her departmental goals are, or the overall goals of the organization. In addition, she is not clear on her role in her team, and how her role helps the organization move forward. Finally, she doesn’t understand the procedures for working effectively in the organization. As you can imagine, after a while, she’ll start to wonder what she’s doing, and why. She’ll question if her efforts are truly making a difference. And more importantly, she won’t understand the roles of the others in the organization, so she won’t know who to speak with about her concerns. After a while she’ll pay less attention in meetings and be less willing to engage with a team. Even if a manager sees this and attempts to revive her interest with team building retreats, she still will be unsure of the organization’s Goals, Roles and Procedures. Eventually, she will leave, and it will cost 2-3 times her salary to replace her.

So what can you do to prevent this from happening to your organization?

1. Goals

Be sure that your top team knows the organization’s mission and major goals. Then ensure that your team is constantly focusing on those goals with all of the employees. Remember the ‘6X’ rule; people need to hear something six times, in different ways, before they absorb it. So don’t just send an email about the goals. Hold meetings, send emails, post signs, do a video, create a postcard…do whatever you need to do so that everyone knows the organizational goals, and how their departmental goals contribute to the overall organizational goals.

2. Roles

There are formal, and informal, roles in every organizations. Formal roles are those seen on an organizational chart; informal roles are often those of “influencers”, those people that do not hold official positions, yet hold sway over an organization. Both are vitally important. So help all employees know the formal and informal roles of the senior team, and more importantly, what each employee’s role is in the organization.

3. Procedures

Although creating standard operating procedures (SOP’s) can be time consuming at first, it will save you vast amounts of time later. Every new employee will benefit from SOP’s, whether a new hires, or a current employee who is new to a certain department. Having updated SOP’s which are easily accessible for all employees to reference will not only ensure a consistent product and service, it will also help employees perform their jobs better.

Once the Goals, Roles and Procedures are in place, the Interpersonal issues often resolve themselves. Knowledge is power. If an employee understands these three things, they often see the big picture and how they fit in the organization, which leads to a more confident and secure employee.

So next time you see some conflicts amongst your staff, step back and assess the situation. Is it about those particular individuals? Or is more systemic, with similar conflicts occurring throughout the organization? If it’s the latter, then check your GRPI. You may need to improve your grip to remove this disease from your organization.

Let us share experiences. Leave a comment below, send us an email, or find us on Twitter.

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Why Conflict at Work is a Good Thing

admin — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 10:19:25 +0000

When Gabriel visited headquarters from his Milwaukee office, everything seemed great. Members of the team welcomed him warmly, invited him to lunch, and had his workstation set up. Gabriel would be there for a week to transition the team to a new software platform to track their hours, request vacation days, check benefits, find employee discounts, and access health coach advice.

By the time Gabriel finished onboarding the whole team, the “great” office seemed anything but.

He noticed the unusual team dynamics right away, after choosing Jackie, the executive assistant, to go first.

She was nervous from the start, asking if he was sure she should be the first one. Her anxiety made it hard for her to concentrate and the meeting took much longer than expected. Soon he learned why, when he had the operations manager, Evan, on deck. Evan made two comments about the fact that the executive assistant was first, instead of him. Gabriel was confused—did he do something wrong?

When it was Shayda’s turn the next day, she barely spoke. Instead she sat silently with her arms crossed with an air of annoyance. What Gabriel didn’t know was that Shayda had wanted to be trained on the first day so she could leave early for volunteer orientation at the women’s shelter. No one informed him of this, so he went ahead with his training in a room so tense that the air could be cut with a knife.

On Friday, Gabriel joined the team weekly meeting, to be available in case there were any questions about the platform. The meeting took two hours, and only a few people talked, not acknowledging anyone else’s comments. In fact, Evan was constantly asserting his authority, saying things like, “I’m the one who makes the decisions here,” and “Don’t waste my time with ideas I already told you won’t work.”

There was no energy in the room, the topics covered were shallow and boring, and amazingly—after two hours—absolutely nothing was accomplished. No problems were solved and no decisions made. Gabriel walked out wondering what was the point of that meeting and what is wrong with this team?

What is Wrong With This Team?

Gabriel felt mired in conflict. Yet the conflict was completely unspoken. During his time there, he never heard a single confrontation out in the open. Yet it was obvious conflict was buried under the surface. If they aren’t willing to bring their perspectives or ideas to the table (unless they already know everyone agrees), how will this conflict ever be resolved? It was undermining all of their progress, and killing morale. He was excited to get back to his office, where sometimes the discussions were difficult, yet their relationships were a lot easier and certainly more productive.

Conflict is a tricky thing. When you boil it down, conflict is just when one person’s wishes and desires are different from another person’s. It’s the emotions that conflict evokes that can make situations seem explosive and make people uncomfortable, since conflict is often associated with “being in trouble”. The idea of conflict can bring up feelings of defensiveness, anxiety, anger, guilt, fear and more. For that reason, it is often avoided at all costs.

The reality is, productive ideological conflict is a good thing, and avoiding it in attempt to preserve a false impression of harmony can backfire. Just look at Gabriel’s experience…

So let’s talk about the importance of conflict, what teams that welcome and avoid conflict look like, and how we can start embracing conflict in our own teams starting today.

Great Teams Welcome Conflict

CPP Global’s Human Capital Report on workplace conflict shows the positive outcomes reported by those who experienced workplace conflict.

41% of respondents report better understanding of others
33% experienced improved working relationships
29% found a better solution to a problem or challenge
21% saw higher performance in the team
18% felt increased motivation

Teams That Welcome Conflict, and Teams Who Do Not: What Do They Look Like?

That study is clear—conflict is good for teams. But what does it look like? Here is a snapshot of what teams who don’t welcome conflict look like, compared to teams that do.

Teams That Don’t Welcome Conflict

Create a culture where back-channel politics and personal attacks thrive
Have boring meetings
Ignore topics that are important for success, but are controversial
Waste time and energy with posturing

Teams That Welcome Conflict

Take and use the ideas of all team members
Have energetic, interesting meetings
Quickly solve real problems
Minimize politics
Do not fear putting critical topics on the table for discussion

What Happened When the NBA Avoided Conflict

Looking at sports teams is a great place to learn about teamwork. Yet in this scenario, the NBA isn’t showing us how to be an awesome team—it’s showing us just what avoiding conflict can do.

It was not a secret among the inner circles of the basketball world that Donald Sterling, L.A. Clippers owner at the time, had potential to create PR catastrophes. One example would be his prior multi-million dollar lawsuit with the Department of Justice for driving minorities out of his apartment buildings. Yet even the NBA commissioner pushed Sterling’s problematic issues under the carpet. Why? In order to avoid conflict.

This blew up in their face in April of 2014, when a recording of Sterling making racist statements about players was made public causing NBA unrest, threatened boycott, and a PR disaster.

Sound familiar?

Does avoiding conflict sound familiar to you? Maybe you notice your team is not making progress, or you feel that politics trump all initiatives at work. Or maybe it’s you who is avoiding conflict, harboring resentment for your team, and not reaching your potential. Here are some tips for welcoming conflict at work.

Three Tips for Welcoming Conflict at Work

1. Remember Everyone’s Opinions Matter

Everyone on the team should be able to express their opinions without the fear of retribution

2. Move Away From Finger Pointing

Work toward perceiving, understanding and respecting where others are coming from

3. Appreciate that Workplace Conflict is Inevitable

Disagreements at work are a given; avoiding them won’t make them go away
Don’t hit the roof when you realize the team isn’t working well together; accept it
Remove yourself from the situation and analyze how this conflict might benefit the team

So let’s go back to Gabriel’s experience where back channel politics plagued the office. The executive assistant was a distracted, nervous wreck knowing that she was seen as “below” the operations manager, yet had been taken to the onboarding session first. And she was right; Evan was fuming because he wasn’t able to assert his superiority by being chosen first. This anxiety-inducing dynamic will continue to exist unless one of them is willing to address the conflict, or one of them leaves the organization.

Shayda also chose not to cause a conflict by asserting that she needed to leave for volunteer orientation at the women’s shelter. Instead, she was tense, miserable and resentful. If she didn’t fear conflict, she would have made her request known, and probably had the opportunity to go to orientation.

The meeting Gabriel joined was also an example of a team that avoids conflict. Nothing got accomplished because no one was comfortable speaking up to share their ideas. And Evan was so busy asserting his authority that he wouldn’t take advantage of the skills and creativity of his teammates. This constant assertion of dominance, coupled with the stagnating results of those avoiding any type of conflict, led to a pointless meeting that nearly put Gabriel to sleep.

Imagine how lively the meeting would be if people were willing to cause potential conflicts in order to solve problems, share ideas, and get things done? Their progress was and will continue to be stunted unless they stop avoiding a perfectly normal byproduct of teamwork—conflict.

How do you feel about conflict at work? Do you face it head on or avoid it? If you avoid it, what makes you the most uncomfortable about conflict?

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

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Seven Steps to Resolving Conflict in Crucial Conversations

admin — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 10:37:47 +0000

It’s time to talk. Really talk. About the national and global issues that are impacting our changed lives, including Covid-19, civil unrest and returning to work or school. I don’t mean a quick chat; I’m referring to real conversations about tough topics where the stakes are high, the opinions vary and the emotions run strong.

In other words, this is a time for crucial conversations, a concept pioneered by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. We tend to avoid crucial conversations at work. However, it’s important to learn how to handle them productively and positively. So how do we do it? Use the seven steps to creating a successful crucial conversation.

Seven Steps to Creating a Successful Crucial Conversation

Start with the heart
Master your story
Learn to look
Make it safe
State your path
Explore the other’s path
Move to action

1. Start with the heart: During the crucial conversation, start with the heart. Why are you having this conversation? Because you’re angry and want to prove your point? Or because you want to improve your working relationship? Focus on healthy goals like learning, finding the truth, and strengthening relationships.

2. Master your story: When managing crucial conversations, stick to concrete facts and avoid judgements about those facts. Instead of saying, “You’re late, again.”, try saying “This is the 3rd time you’ve been late in 3 weeks. What’s causing these delays?”

3. Learn to look: Look at your role in the situation before accusing the other person. How have you contributed to the problem and how can you improve it?

4. Make it safe: While engaging in crucial conversations, create safety which includes being fully present without distractions and avoiding dangerous phrases, such as “You always do this.” or “You never do that”.

5. State your path: Create an environment where asking for help is encouraged. State how you’d like the issue to be resolved and ask for help in finding that solution. Create an environment where asking for help is encouraged. State how you’d like the issue to be resolved and ask for help in finding that solution.

6. Explore the other’s path: Now it’s time to listen and hear what the other person wants. Looking at the other person’s perspective calms the conversation and helps move the discussion in the right direction.

7. Move to action: Moving to action plays a significant role in crucial conversation. What action steps have you both agreed to and how will you ensure those steps take root?

Three Tips for Successful Crucial Conversations

With practice, a crucial conversation can be simple and bring a positive outcome. Keep these three tips in mind:

1. Adjust your mindset: Gearing up for a crucial conversation can create anxiety. Instead of getting nervous, try to adjust your mindset to be more positive. A crucial conversation goes best when you think of it as a normal conversation in a normal day.

These types of conversations could trigger strained working relationships within the organization. To avoid the painful effect, be compassionate with yourself and the other person. No one is perfect so be gracious with those around you.

2. Listen: Listening actively before responding to the other person can often give you enough time to choose the right words. By doing so, you can address the right issues leading to fruitful conversations.

During the crucial conversation, listen deeply with an open mind. While listening to the other person’s points of view, you will get to know their needs and requirements.

After listening, acknowledge the other’s viewpoint. Expressing interest in understanding the other’s point of view helps clarify the difference between the perspectives.

The best way to listen in a crucial conversation is to keep yourself calm and relaxed. Don’t just rush into things. To keep yourself calm, try to take regular breaths and relax your mind. A relaxed mind helps you refocus, providing the capacity to absorb what the other person is saying.

3. Plan: Planning is an essential aspect of crucial conversations so make sure to understand all the factors related to your crucial conversation. Being prepared in advance helps you hold a simple, clear, balanced and direct conversation. Bringing a few notes is one technique; you could also role play with another colleague before the actual crucial conversation.

Ready to improve your crucial conversation skills? Start by asking for feedback on your ability to handle stressful situations, which will help identify your areas of improvement. Then practice, practice, practice. Practice makes crucial conversations substantially more relaxed and less daunting!

Want to learn more about crucial conversations? Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send us an email, or find me on Twitter.

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How and Why to Ask For What You Want at Work

admin — Thu, 07 May 2020 08:10:34 +0000

I still cringe when I think of the time I got my haircut during my teenage years. The hairdresser asked how I wanted it cut and I replied, “I don’t care. You choose.” In that moment, I gave away total control of how I looked to a complete stranger!

As a child, I never learned to clearly ask for what I wanted. I always said, “I don’t care” even when I did care. I didn’t want to rock the boat and create conflict, so I kept quiet instead of voicing my opinion or request.

Through lots of personal development work, I slowly improved in speaking up. In fact, I went a little overboard and became a touch demanding at times. Telling my mom, “I need you to do this by tomorrow” was probably not the best way to treat her! Over time, I’ve slowly learned when to speak up and when not to speak up.

What is Self-Advocating?

Though it often doesn’t come naturally, speaking up and self-advocating is a vital professional and personal skill. What is it? It’s the ability to say what we need, want and hope for in life and at work. It’s the capacity to ask questions humbly, and admit mistakes. It’s about standing up for yourself and others in the face of large or small injustices.

Why You Need to Speak Up at Work

Let’s talk about work. When you don’t self-advocate, your approach to your career is passive. You rely on your manager to know what is best for you, how you’d like to progress, and what factors and peer behaviors are impacting your work. But not all managers can keep track of exactly what’s going on in their team member’s day-to-day life, and zero managers can read minds. Without communicating what you want, and what is standing in your way, you are relying on the unknown to shape your career and life.

Much of my coaching focuses on speaking up and asking for what you want. And I don’t just mean asking for a raise or a new position. It can be small things too, like when a colleague does something that irritates you, or when a client asks for more than the contract stipulates. These are examples of speaking up for your own good, as well as the good of your team or organization.

But How Do You Self-Advocate?

So how do you do it? I asked Jezra Kaye, a public speaking coach who works with people to improve public speaking skills. Her company is called Speak Up for Success; she’s the perfect person to turn to for self-advocacy help! Here are her five steps for asking for what you want.

Asking For What You Want at Work: 5 Steps

Know Your Value— What do you bring to your company or team that they would otherwise have to do without? What have you accomplished for them? Can you put a dollar figure on the clients you’ve won, or the time you’ve saved through good practices? Even intangibles like increasing team morale can sometimes be quantified (“Our team lost only one member last year; the other teams all lost two or more”).
Do Your Research— What do others at your level, in your field, get paid? How fast have others in your company been promoted? Are you being fairly compensated (often, women and people of color are not)? Should you be making more than others, because you supervise more people, manage more projects, or have special expertise?
Develop Your Strategy— You know your manager! Are they best approached at 8am on Monday morning? Over drinks on Thursday night? After a difficult project has wrapped? Should you make an appointment, or have a casual conversation? Do they need time to process, or pressure to decide? And WHAT is the argument that will win them over?
Plan Your Speech— Don’t leave this important conversation to chance! Work out what you’re going to say, and then…
Practice, Practice, PRACTICE Look, asking for what you want can make you uncomfortable. It can make all of us uncomfortable. The truth is, there is a very slim chance you will get what you want unless you ask. Follow these five steps and give it a shot.

Do you have a story about self-advocacy in your own life? Maybe a time where it made all the difference for you or a time that it could have?

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send us an email, or find us on Twitter.

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Listening: The Do’s and Don’ts and How To Master It

admin — Thu, 30 Apr 2020 10:49:58 +0000

The human mouth plods along at 125 words per minute, while a neuron in the brain can fire about 200 times a second. No wonder our mind wanders when there’s so much time in between the words of a conversation. This is part of the reason we remember only 25 to 50% of what we hear.

Yet listening is an incredibly important skill for everyone—including leaders. Why? If you’re not listening at work, it’s easy to misinterpret a discussion as a decision. You may underestimate the importance of objections and ambivalence. And not listening is a quick way to dissolve trust between leaders and their teams.

From my experience, leaders could use some listening practice. Why don’t they listen? Though Richard Branson once joked that leaders love to hear their own voices, there are two main reasons. For one, in general, people are not taught how to carefully listen. And secondly, society expects leaders and entrepreneurs to have all the answers.

Truly listening to someone is more difficult than it seems and requires practice. Yet practicing takes more than just “keeping it in mind” throughout your day. Let’s look at five levels of listening, the do’s and don’ts of listening, and steps you can take to improve your listening skills.

There are several levels of listening, but here are five I find most important.

Highlight: Five Levels of Listening

Ignoring is something we have all done. Someone is talking to us, but we are exploring things on the Internet, checking text messages, or thinking “what’s for dinner”. We are not actually hearing much of anything.
Pretend listening occurs when a person acts as if they are listening, but is not following the full story of what is being said. They nod and smile but do not actually take in the message. This is a skill that can be finely honed by people who do a lot of inconsequential listening, such as politicians and royalty. We all do pretend listening at times; be careful because it can damage relationships when you get caught.
Selective listening involves listening for particular things and ignoring other things. We hear what we want to hear and sometimes block out details that we are not interested in, or simply don’t want to hear. We listen for what we agree with, and then only remember that. Or we listen only for ways we don’t agree (this is usually as a result of a conflict), which can be quite frustrating when trying to come to an agreement.
Attentive listening is what many of us do most of the time. This is when we listen to the other person with the best intention, yet become distracted by our thoughts of how we will respond. In attentive listening, we dip inside our own heads for a short while, try to determine what the person really means, and formulate questions for the person before we start listening again. If you find that you’re doing this, ‘fess up! Let the other person know that your mind wandered and say, “Could you please repeat that?”
Empathic listening happens when the listener pays very close attention to what is being said, how it is being said, the message that is being portrayed, and what is not being said. Empathic listening takes much more effort than attentive listening, as it requires close concentration. It also requires empathy and understanding. You’re listening for the emotions, watching the body language and listening for needs, goals, preferences, biases, beliefs, values and so on. In other words, you’re listening in surround sound.

How to Be a Better Listener

Listening is actually a little painful. When we talk, we get a rush of chemicals sent to our reward and pleasure centers, so it is a selfish brain activity. There is no reward like that for listening. When you listen, you are halting your natural ways of thinking; it’s like holding your breath. Yet listening is a skill that can be learned, like a fitness test of the brain.

The first step to better listening is to choose to be a better listener and decide that it’s an important skill to you. It takes effort and a strategy and much like any sport, you will want to learn the steps, and then practice, practice, practice.

A Listening Acronym to Keep In Mind

Here is an acronym to help you become a better listener: NALE it.

N Note what is being said.

A Ask questions to clarify the story, and refine ambiguous words.

L Look at what the other person is doing. Are they relaxed, tense, looking away? This is all part of the communication they are sharing with you.

E Evaluate what you think is really going on with the person. You are not a psychologist yet, with a little empathy, you might pick up on some messages that are not being said. This gives you an opportunity to ask more questions. Stay in a curious state and you will learn so much more in less time.

Listening Do’s and Don’ts

To improve your listening, DO:

Be 100% present. This means turning off all electronics, and keeping your eyes on the person.
Be content to listen and to stay in the conversation until they feel like they are fully heard.
Ask questions and take notes, including clarifying meanings of words. Many words in the English language have more than one meaning, or can vary drastically (such as the word “soon”).
Show courtesy in your posture and your tone of voice by leaning into the conversation, and keeping your voice level.
Allow emotions to flow freely, and acknowledge the emotions with your words.
Pretend that you will be tested on what you heard and understood, if you are finding it difficult to concentrate.

To improve your listening, DON’T:

React emotionally. Stay calm and focused on the other person.
Offer suggestions or advice. This is a hard one! Yet if you are truly listening, all you’re doing is pulling information out. As soon as you start suggesting solutions, you are no longer listening.
Talk about yourself. Even if you have had the same experience, don’t tell your story. It takes the attention off the person and back onto you. A simple “I have been there” can do the trick.
Look at anything but the person. Stay focused on the person’s eyes, facial expressions, and body language.

Are you good at fully listening to others? Is listening a challenge for you? We’d love to hear your ideas about why listening may be difficult for leaders. Also, if you have experience working on your listening skills, let us know what steps you have taken.

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send us an email, or find us on Twitter.

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The post Listening: The Do’s and Don’ts and How To Master It appeared first on CHCI.

Conflict in the Workplace? 7 Ways to Resolve It

admin — Thu, 30 Jan 2020 12:03:23 +0000

Crucial conversation sounds like a serious life or death conversation. It’s not. Instead, it’s a concept pioneered by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler that describes a conversation between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.

We tend to avoid crucial conversations at work. However, it’s important to learn how to handle them productively. There are seven steps to creating a successful crucial conversation:

Start with the heart
Master your story
Learn to look
Make it safe
State your path
Explore the other’s path
Move to action

2. Master your story:When managing crucial conversations, stick to concrete facts and avoid judgements about those facts. Instead of saying, “You’re late, again.”, try saying “This is the 3^rd time you’ve been late in 3 weeks. What’s causing these delays?”

3. Learn to look:Look at your role in the situation before accusing the other person. How have you contributed to the problem and how can you improve it?

4. Make it safe:While engaging in crucial conversations, create safety which includes being fully present without distractions and avoiding dangerous phrases, such as “You always do this.” or “You never do that”.

5. State your path:Create a culture where asking for help is encouraged. State how you’d like the issue to be resolved and ask for help in finding that solution.

6. Explore the other’s path:Now it’s time to listen and hear what the other person wants. Looking at the other person’s perspective calms the conversation and helps move the discussion in the right direction.

7. Move to action:Moving to action plays a significant role in crucial conversation. What action steps have you both agreed to and how will you ensure those steps take root?

With practice, a crucial conversation can be simple and bring a positive outcome. Keep these three tips in mind:

1. Adjust your mindset

Gearing up for a crucial conversation can create anxiety. Instead of getting nervous, try to adjust your mindset to be more positive. A crucial conversation goes best when you think of it as a normal conversation in a normal day.

2. Listen

Listening actively before responding to the other person can often give you enough time to choose the right words. By doing so, you can address the right issues leading to fruitful conversations.

During the crucial conversation, listen deeply with an open mind. While listening to the other person’s points of view, you will get to know their needs and requirements.

After listening, acknowledge the other’s viewpoint. Expressing interest in understanding the other’s point of view helps clarify the difference between the perspectives.

The best way to listen in a crucial conversations is to keep yourself calm and relaxed. Don’t just rush into things. To keep yourself calm, try to take regular breaths and relax your mind. A relaxed mind helps you refocus, providing the capacity to absorb any blows coming your way.

3. Plan

Planning is an essential aspect of crucial conversations so make sure to understand all the factors related to your crucial conversation. Being prepared in advance helps you hold a simple, clear, balanced and direct conversation. Bringing a few notes is one technique; you could also role play with another colleague before the actual crucial conversation.

Want to learn more about crucial conversations?

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

The post Conflict in the Workplace? 7 Ways to Resolve It appeared first on CHCI.